Sendō #17: Departure From Purgatory

Didn't run the marathon. It came down to one thing: I didn't train enough. I should've started my training plan earlier and even when the weather was cold as shit, I should've stuck with it. No clue when my next race is but I'm revisiting the fundamentals to not be a loser in all aspects of my life.

January 22nd, 2025 to February 24, 2025

Long story short: I became a WFH deadbeat because life got too hard for an emotionally unstable yuppie. Now I'm trying to redeem myself by running a lot and talking about it. Hopefully you find this entertaining enough to subscribe, tell a friend and follow your own The Challenge.

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Felt good to start running again. Cold as shit though.

Trying out my Physical Training Program by living through it for 8 weeks. Starting with bodyweight workouts before I get back into lifting heavy weights again. Pullups are awesome.

The quest for mastery continues. Longer sessions this month which was good.

A picture's worth a thousand words; here's nine.

WE DON'T TRUST YOU is an excellent album, and it's seamless: every single song flows into the next so it truly feels like a vibe. Great for working out and hunkering down to do boring work.

Finally put down Elden Ring. Epic game. FF7 Remake is great; I never got into the original FF7, the graphics of the PS1 era were just a little too janky for me to fall in love; and this is coming from someone that loved the 8-bit and 16-bit era and I played a bad amount of RuneScape when that was a thing. But FF7, whether it was on PlayStation, Switch, PC, etc. - it all just felt like the textures and characters blurred together and it felt blah. But I appreciated the story and the gameplay and the universe they created. FF7 Remake lets me see the world that so many others had deeply envisioned during their childhoods and expanded on the story beats and world so much further. Having played up until leaving Midgar on the original, I had a good sense of the first half of the story so I've been pleasantly surprised on where they've expanded the worldbuilding and made it feel like a real place. Gameplay is OK - it's now an action RPG but the action doesn't feel as fluid as Elden Ring, which of course duh, it's an RPG first. But just like FF15, the gameplay in FF7 just feels a little off. Wonder if they fixed it for FF16. Anyway, Yakuza: Like A Dragon is my current alternate which is also a fantastic game.

The Devil You Know is a solid book; it's pouring a new light on certain areas of the South. Growing up in NYC I always looked down on the South as being full of evil racists and battered down minorities, but to be honest, since I've moved to Austin, Texas I've had way less issues with police or even feeling scared or on edge. So what I had been told my whole life hadn't been true, and when I go back home I feel this underlying anger or bitterness in many parts of the city. It was a lie I think, that racism was defeated in the north and everything is all good. Nothing is all good, and the war for peace continues. Makes me realize how screwed up so many things are in our society. I have faith in God, the universe and everything, but there's so much cruelty and hate out there. So much pain to heal from. For many people across this planet.

Kinda Pregnant was a return to the dumb romantic-comedy movies of the 2000s, it was refreshing and funny even if Amy Schumer is mid. Thought it was great.

Invincible is a great show; Steven Yeun is a great actor, and he portrays a naive young superhero really well. The entire cast is great and while the animation is really lacking in some areas due to Amazon being shit with budget on their actually good shows, it is a solid show that I would recommend. On the flip side I have not been liking Severance - I love a good mystery box show but I feel like it's trying too hard to be confusing versus letting the character work shine will the mysteries slowly build. That's why FROM worked so well in my opinion; I was hungry for more mysteries but the show was patient with it.

Check out the following post and more on SenDex, our free collection of training resources. Think Pokédex meets Wikipedia.

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Physical Training Program 1 | Sendō

This 8+ week military-style basic training program combines calisthenics, cardio, core, and mental toughness exercises.

SendōSchwarz Bruder

Unedited manic ramblings, typically after a run or emotional breakdown.

1/21/2025

Another "one in a hundred years" storm here in Austin. Snow looks beautiful but already melted.

1/23/2025

Syncing back up with reality. Really dropped the ball the last couple weeks. I don't have a good excuse - I wanted to relax after a lot of travel and events, but my problem always is that I love being out of my mind versus on the ground in this reality. So that's something I want to work on this year and month - figuring out what I need to do to find joy and fulfillment in this world. Sounds totally lame but I think I'm going to start golfing - social activity that I can get good at and gets me outside of the house and helps me to connect with others. It's obviously not as exciting as becoming Elden Lord and facing giant monsters in a videogame, but at least I'm out of the house and connecting with my mind, the world and others.

1/24/2025

Getting in my morning yoga is helping get me back on track. I'm also back to meditating before bed as well, and using that time to just reflect on the day and calm myself down. Still got to get my ass running but that's the next step (lol).

2/3/2025

What can I say? How many days later since my last update and still living mostly in the fog again. Trying to be good for a 40 day+ stretch starting today.

Great read from BBC:

Major Taylor: The first Black American global sports superstar

He shattered world records abroad but was shunned at home. Now, the greatest athlete you’ve never heard of could receive the US’ highest civilian honour.

BBCRobert Isenberg

2/4/2025

Anxiety. That's the feeling I've been wrestling with. And it's easier to escape than to sit in that anxiety and dread and all of it. But that fear, dread, anxiety, etc. - it's the fuel that pushes you into new realms of growth. That's what I'm going to tell myself right now. I'm deep in debt, hate my job, have no clue what I'm going to do to earn a living, or how I'm going to help my family. No clue what my interests are, really. No clue how to put it all together. No clue how to make friends, be friends, be social, be fun, be happy. Usually I try to wrap this all up into a hopeful statement of some kind but all I feel is...blah. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs, run until I collapse, put my head through a wall.

I thought, or maybe really hoped, that this idea would be my ticket out of here. But I haven't committed to this all the way either, so how could I expect it to succeed? And what value am I delivering to people? Watch a loser go nowhere over several years? I don't know, man. I'm reading the self-help books, and the meditation, and the positive vibes, but in the end I've just been escaping into the void. Nothing's really changed. I still can't figure out why the hell I don't want to exist in normal society. Why I can't just do my job, or be happy without using. But there's freedom in not knowing anything I think. I'm just going to try inch forward every day. No more fixating on cars that won't make my life better.

2/7/2025

Coming out of the fog again. The mantra again: intense physical exercise is the best way forward for me - it gives my brain and mental space room to breathe and think deeper. So I won't figure out a way forward until I use exercise to bring my mind down a notch. Just the way that I'm wired. Physical Training Program 1 is coming along well, taking what I wrote and learned with the 5K training plan and combining it here. I think we can do 5 training programs, each requiring more equipment and getting more difficult, but the vision is that if you can complete all five programs, you'll be strong enough to run a hundred miles and continue on your yogic journey.

2/12/2025

Got a bunch of runs in over the last few days. Don't think I can do this race, even if I just do the half-marathon. I'm embarrassed and I feel bad that someone sponsored me to do this race, but I'm just not good enough and that's my fault. But I'm back to training regularly again and keeping it as simple as possible. Right now I'm on a physical training program that's military inspired. Basically going to use this for 8 weeks and then move on to creating another program, then a third.

Here's the first one:

Physical Training Program 1 | Sendō

This 8+ week military-style basic training program combines calisthenics, cardio, core, and mental toughness exercises.

SendōSchwarz Bruder

Thinking about how to make this site more successful too. I'm accepting that it won't make me a billion dollars, but I know that this can be valuable to people if I keep working at it. Just need different types of articles in addition to The Quest.

2/13/2025

Finally finished Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. Excellent book, great writer and person, top-tier motivation.

Reflecting after an evening workout. It's gonna so weird but this whole thing is weird, as am I. Literally I have to keep running and doing bodyweight workouts/lifting workouts every day if possible. Yoga helps keep me flexible and lets the energy flow through me, but the heavy workouts feel like they bring my mind and energy to a whole nother level. Like I feel wide awake and young again. You know that banger by Dua Lipa, Electricity? That's how it feels, electricity flowing through me, but not like in a manic way. Just like its putting a fire in me.

2/17/2025

Cleaned out my home office today. All that's left is the desk, bookshelf and a little ladder shelf for some odds and ends. It's been a good day of reflection. I think that I've screwed up a lot of things in life and hurt a lot of people and could've been a better person. I wish I could've done so many things differently. I wish that my life ahead could be better or different. But I just don't know anything anymore. Maybe it'll be easy to say "oh he was just an addict" or "he never got over the trauma" or "he never grew up" or "we gave him all the chances in the world". I don't know what's true or not, I just know that I wasted a whole lot of time and money.

I donated my PS4 and Nintendo Switch at Goodwill today, along with a fuckton of clothes, art supplies and tech that I cleaned out of my office. Years of memories and countless experiences were baked into both of those consoles. In fact I had them both throughout my 20s, and nearly all of my experiences outside of this world happened through those devices. Death Stranding and the Yakuza series and Red Dead Redemption 2 are just a couple examples I can think of on the PS4, but there's so many. On the switch, Pokémon Sword made me feel like a kid ahead, and I got pretty damn close to finishing the PokeDex. Didn't even transfer any of the saves though. The PS4 was bricked, lost power when it was on a few years ago and never worked the same since. The Switch was in perfect condition; didn't even bother to wipe it. I'm sure there's some poor kid or person out there that can get some joy out of either device. And I'm sad that I let all of those memories go, but...I guess maybe they'll stick in my heart. I'm a shit writer because I'm not even adequately describing the loss I'm feeling in my heart. Feels like a version of me died today. But maybe he needed to die. I keep thinking of a song by Disclosure titled, "You've Got To Let Go If You Want To Be Free". Dumb that a song is making me feel that way but it's true. I'm really scared of the future ahead. My partner doesn't want to live in Austin anymore and wants us both to move back home into our childhood bedrooms back in New York. I just feel that all I've done is waste time and money over the last decade of my life. Like all of this...it wasn't for nothing, there were experiences, memories made, failures and successes. But New York isn't home to me anymore. But that's all she wants. But the truth is that I was a shit person while here, but I'm the person I always wanted to be. So in the end....I don't know what's going to happen. Nobody's perfect. But I fucked up and sometimes I feel like there's only one way out. But I can't get out either. That's the conflict. That's part of the insanity.

2/18/2025

Taking agency in life without running away. I'm going to figure this out, my own way.

2/19/2025

The next year of my life is going to be crazy, no way around that. Who knows how soon my life in Austin, Texas will come to a close, but I isolated myself for a lot of it and I don't have a lot to show for it. I grew internally, mentally in some degrees. Quite a lot actually. I achieved some of my goals and dreams: I finally created a safe space where I could be myself. But I have to evolve even further and leave this place behind, and become another, more evolved version of myself with new goals and dreams. And it shouldn't take leaving Austin to have that fire lit in me, or anything else going on. But I'm deciding that I have dreams worth living and fighting for. There's the me that exists in this world, not just the conscious that escaped into other worlds. I'm still here. I am here. I'm going to look at it like any other adventure; I'm going to be wandering around for quite a long time. But I'll have a new appreciation for what I have and what I desire. That's the most important thing.

--

Later in the day. Tell me if you've heard this one before but I really need to change. I recognize that life has basically grinded to a halt for me, by my own doing in many ways. But I've got to rebuild from first principles - deciding what I actually want out of life and doing something about it. In that context, Sendō once again becomes a way out of this moment in time and life.

2/20/2025

Just going to go for it and start developing the first version of SendōMon. I'm going to start with a sidescroller just to get comfortable. Making games isn't easy, even a silly little sidescroller. I thought that I could aim for 8 levels, but I think it'll take me like a month just to make one good level. But it's exciting!!

Outside of these little projects I'm trying to think how to grow a real business or have a real presence in this world. That's the only way things can get done - tangible, physical businesses producing things. Even in the era of AI - people still need to eat, party and be entertained.

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