The Quest #18: Chaos Addict

Feels like I'm finally starting to "get" life. At least how it feels from my corner of the universe. This was a great month for golf, not so much for running. But getting into something new has revealed (again) that fear is my biggest enemy in life. All of the success I've experienced only happened in moments of fleeting bravery and psychotic desperation. Then once I got a little success, I became lazy and fearful. Yuck.

So here's to the end of cowardice and conflict avoidance. Cheers to awkward conversations, learning new things, fucking up in public, making eye contact, being nicer, smiling more, asking if people are OK and responding to texts in an appropriate time frame.

February 25, 2025 to March 28, 2025

Long story short: I became a WFH deadbeat because life got too hard for an emotionally unstable yuppie. Now I'm trying to redeem myself by running a lot and talking about it. Hopefully you find this entertaining enough to subscribe, tell a friend and follow your own Quest.

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“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”
— Thích Nhất Hạnh

Barely ran this last month but it's OK! Trying to balance all of my interests has taught me that I need better time management and focus.

Pretty consistent yoga sessions this month, with a few longer sessions in there which I'm proud of. Golfing, specifically the repetitive swing practice, has made me stiff as hell in my left leg and hips. Like I'm limping sometimes and I don't feel 'balanced'. Like I felt like I walked elegantly or smoothly in a way, now with the muscle aches it's actually really hard to walk smoothly. I know I will be able to again, it's just surprising. But it's good and given me another appreciation for yoga, it's helping me consciously work through this part of my body.

A picture's worth a thousand words; here's nine.

Been getting into Italian music from the 70s lately; my favorite has been L'umo dalgi occhiali a specchio. What started as a fixation on finding good jazz music as a study tool led me to Japanese funk and then 70s Italian library music like you'd hear in a western. Might be my favorite type of sound right now, and it's been inspiring me to pick up the camera and shoot video again. You know music is good when you want to create a short film to score it to. But I digress; the music slaps and Sandro Brugnolini seems to be the god of this mountain. On the flip side, the new Playboi Carti album is incredible - it's very industrial and some songs are kind of grating on the ear, but it feels very refreshing and exciting to experience. It's giving a bit of Yeezus in how it's going very weird but still feels like Carti. Might be my new favorite album, I thought Whole Lotta Red was good but I still liked Die Lit more. This one's up there.

Going Fast and Fixing Things has been good so far - still very early into it but it's an inspiring read. It's a reminder to be yourself and honestly that I could work even harder than I have been. Got to keep climbing the mountain. Two mountain references...what am I, a range? Yikes...

White Lotus is great. Absolute perfection at creating familiar, incredibly awkward moments. Bit of a slow burn this season but I think they'll nail it again. And this last episode was incredibly gross but they know how to keep us on the ledge. Thailand is so beautiful as well. The actors are great, the scenery is amazing, well shot, all thumbs up. Heard they spent like six months out there filming which is cool.

Haven't been gaming as much right now as I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do with my career.

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Unedited manic ramblings, typically after a run or emotional breakdown.

2/25/2025

Starting off this chapter/month/era in my life with Sorcerer by Miles Davis. Got that squeaky chaotic layered sound but it the combination clears the mind so I can think.

2/27/2025

Weather was glorious the last few days, now it's back to cold and muggy. Feeling at peace in a weird way; like I have no clue what exactly is coming next in life, but I'm finally creating the clarity and vision of what I want. And so even though the future is unknown, now at least I know what I want my future to be. Now it's about the courage, discipline and passion to create that future. But I was looking back on my initial notes for Sendo from over two years ago and it showed me that I'm on the right path. I sat down for days, weeks, months, just deeply thinking through every business idea I had and what I actually cared about and what I was passionate about.

I've been doing a shit job at running and training, but this blog idea is exactly what I wanted to do. It just needs to be a million times better and impactful for myself and our readers, but this literally is the beginning of something incredible. I've probably mentioned it here but I also feel it from my soul: I want Sendo to be the modern version of Patagonia combined with Disney. When I say that I mean from the perspective of creating a truly passionate brand by weirdos in a niche for weirdos in a niche, and that obsession and passion will lead to something bigger.

I have to not get too down on myself - there's plenty of successful businesses and people out there in the world, it doesn't need to be the next Facebook. I focused on the tech world at first because I saw young outsiders taking over the world, but that feeling, that drive, that vision - it can come from anywhere and exist in any world. So I look at Sendo as a "heist" of sorts. It's the combination of all my weirdness and fixations as a vehicle to obtain vast sums of money while also helping as many people as possible and taking on the establishment. Some day it'll make sense if I stand on business and take this and life more seriously. No one's going to be the hero of my own story except me.

2/28/2025

I think I'm going to follow the practices of Ramadan this month. Like, fasting during the day, clean living, all that good stuff. I was planning on doing a 100% clean March anyway so I'm taking it as a divine sign to get my shit together! Should be fun! It'll make this chapter pretty interesting. And heal my life and develop a connection with life and the universe.

3/3/2025

Did semi-decent so far. Didn't eat during the day for the last two days, though I did have a couple beers and an early dinner yesterday before sunset. But the food tasted beyond disgusting so that was motivation to resist the urge to eat and save it for home.

I am struggling about how to exist in this world and how to make a living. I have a vision, getting stronger the more I reflect on it, and this vision and desire has been consistent for the last few years. When I look back on my older brainstorms and vision boards and blueprints and organizing documents - the overarching machine that I'm trying to create is the same. I want to create a world-class organization that'll live for at least one hundred years, and become an economic, social and spiritual powerhouse for people across the country and world. We'll not just make people laugh but teach them how to grow food, give them safe spaces to study and work, and tons of trails and nature to explore. It'll be a organization at the scale of any Fortune 100 company, with a focus on uplifting people while still printing money. That's the goal. I'm starting with this blog but it would be epic if this does become a top tier company because you, the reader, has seen large parts of me without ever seeing me. So that's exciting.

But admittedly the vision of what I'm trying to pursue seems unbelievably complicated and confusing and unlikely to work out...but now that I'm sitting there thinking about it, it's kind of exciting. Like for my vision to work, it'll take a series of successive miracles but I do think it'll lead to something great. Maybe that's the point. It's been a while since I've looked at psychotic inspirations and decided to go for it. In the past I had nothing but desperation and nothing to lose - now I've got a mortgage and a family and a shrinking timeline for what I can accomplish. But what's the alternative? Going from mediocre job to mediocre job looking for meaning in an empty life? Putting my faith in heroes and titans of industry just to find out that they're losers and psychos?

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Spokesman - Highland is cool as hell. This is another variation on what I want to do!! It's in the same warehouse/space as Crux Climbing and Brewtorium - multiple cool vibes for different people in one location!! Literally this is the vision for Sendo Park, just add nature trails out back for hiking, biking and dog walking.

3/4/2025

Getting into golf lately. I tend to fixate on things, but I think this is a good fixation because it'll lead to more connection. The true goal of Sendo is union after all. Of course I was like, "oh this will be how I get out of my job! just become a pro golfer!". The delusion is out of control, but I'm so desperate for something new that I'm thinking outside the box. Now of course, professional golf is something that takes decades to even approach, and most people at a high level have been doing it since they were kids and have the compound interest of learning from their parents, their community and so on. One weirdo with a blog and personal problems ain't going to approach the level of professional athletes anytime soon.

And yet, there is something here. I can't quite put my finger on it. But in my pursuit of fasting and clean living during this month, I feel like it's been a good few days so far and I'm developing more clarity. I'm accepting that I don't know anything really and just taking it day by day. Terrified about the future still but what can do you. I'm just going to follow my heart and improve my discipline.

3/5/2025

60 minute yoga session today which was good.

And I think that I finally figured out the version of Sendo that'll actually be successful. Stay tuned. Sendo is going to transform again in a big way.

3/6/2025

Really struggling at work and feeling anxious about the future. You ever felt like, "I just can't". Like something in my fucking mind and spirit is holding me back. I know this shit isn't hard. I know it's a fucking slam dunk to just shut up and stay put and keep on the grind. But I feel like I'm going insane and I just can't. And I'm fucked if I go in the opposite direction at first maybe...I don't know. I feel completely insane.

3/7/2025

Continuing to practice golf. It ain't easy. There's a lot of things that have to come together just right for each swing. But it's incredibly satisfying when the club hits the ball just "right". I'm learning how to create one perfect swing to perfectly nail the ball each time. I can admit that I'm definitely doing shit wrong, but I want to have some level of comfort before going to the PGA Store classes. Especially since I have very little experience with sports and terrible hand eye coordination, just getting comfortable with the swing is my goal right now. The good thing is that I can practice on the same empty disc golf courses I've been wandering on for the last five years. There's a tee box just like a real golf course, so I do my power swings there, then walk the course with my irons and just practice swinging. I'm learning that I won't be able to bring the dog because she gets in the way of every other swing and is distracting me. Sort of good at ball retrieval though. That's why I get this feeling that it's all coming together...that golf could be the key to unlocking something major in my life. Like this was the final piece of the puzzle.

I like golf because it does remind me of like medieval times shit. Like I'm a knight with my sword, on a quest in this field of battle. Or like I'm a wizard with my magical staff. Or a ranger/archer looking into the distance to fire an arrow. Or a rogue...just talking shit on the course. So it all is giving RPG vibes in a way. As someone that loves playing videogames, now I have an IRL game to learn and obsess over. Plus it adds to my adventures - I can go off-roading and hiking in each city I travel to and still go somewhere fancy and golf. Learning to live in both worlds - the wild and the tamed.

3/10/2025

I'm completely checked out of work at this point. I have no clue what my future holds, both career-wise and living situation-wise. All I've got to believe in is Sendō, yoga and golf. Somehow though...I get this feeling that I'm on the verge of an incredible opportunity. Like my entire life has lead to this moment. Do I really think I could become a world class golfer? Or really not even that - can I really play and get good? Can I create a website that is connected to this sport?

I don't know. But I'm going to follow my heart. I tried to swing when I crushed a couple gummies and it took the power of my coordination and swing away. So that's something really important to recognize.

From a swing practice perspective, I've lost so many balls that were actually surprisingly expensive to buy - like $40 for 50 used balls or something like that. My swing is shit, which duh, I'm still a beginner, but I'm starting to feel it out. That's why I like golf, it's kind of like yoga in that sense where I'm trying to feel out the swing, I'm trying to reflect and learn. It's like I'm climbing a mountain, but I'm excited about all of the different dimensions of this mountain. Running - it was a great start to this blog but it wasn't something I was passionate about - having talked to some truly passionate runners I'm understanding their emotions and my own. I'm still looking for that thing that lights my heart on fire. This has felt the closest to anything by far. It's so cool!!! I feel like a knight and a wizard and an archer.

Some musings as I go:

• I'm right-handed, but you truly can't use your right-hand in the swing, the left hand is controlling the arc and energy I'm summoning from the top of the swing.
• the driver is the hardest for me to hit right now, the irons are the easiest
• I need to complete my clubset, the Goodwill specials are actually really solid but I know there's a proper measurement and adjustments I need to do
• I'm aiming for my first lesson at the end of the month, I just want to be strong and consistent enough to learn from a coach for 30 minutes or so and it's actually impactful

Unrelated but I had never seen Happy Gilmore, it's a funny and very silly movie. More silly than funny but it's still funny. I was never a Adam Sandler guy apart from Uncut Gems but I can see the goofy silliness of it. But it was a great golf movie and a great zero-to-hero story.

3/13/2025

The golf game comes and goes. But I keep on practicing and reflecting. The good thing about picking this up at 30+ years old is that it's something new to absorb and learn. Like I like videogames and getting used to the controls and tools, hell I spent about six months talking about Elden Ring here. So it's fun to learn something new. Terrified about what's next in my career but right now, learning something new that I can continue to get good at and practice anywhere around the world is exciting.

3/17/2025

Warm weather returns to Texas. More golf practice. Played disc golf and that was really fun - can't believe I've been walking these courses for years and never tried it out. I think Midori Golf Equipment is going to be the name of the new company. It'll be a combination of everything that's come before as a roadmap to the future. I'm going to use Sendo to continue refining my writing style and thinking through what I want this entire brand to be.

3/24/2025

Almost end of the month, which means it's almost the end of this chapter, too. Anything meaningful happen? Just another promise to change? Just another idea that'll be the way out, that's just on the horizon. Hmm...but at the same time I'm becoming closer to the ideal "me". Just a few more things to hammer into place. The true quest of self-realization continues....

We liked the other one better. Here's the alternate cover for #18.

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